nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
I'm so drunk. Liken realign drink
Like really drunk?
Or did you enjoy repositioning your drink?
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
Fuck it. I'm going for it. You're only young once, right?
You've been saying that for 5 years now. Let me know when the novelty wears off.
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
Randomize
