Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
love makes seman taste better
you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
bought some hannah montana deodorant. hope it doesnt make me smell untalented
just lying in bed drinking beer with a straw waiting for motivation. why?
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
It was kicking off big time until you crawled out the bar on your hands and knees. Nobody wanted to mess with that.
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
but, alas, I am not the lady in the streets. I'm simply the freak in the sheets.
Like not to be gross, he was eating me out while I was smoking a bowl. It was like a rap video
I want to fling myself into the sun
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
Randomize
