Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
her facebook pictures are like a timeline of all the guys she's screwed.
someone needs to get her out of the garbage can shes never gonna forgive us for this
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
no strings attached, like you could fuck him and then throw him off a building right after
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
all I remember is grinding on everyone in the room regardless of gender and quoting the lion king non-stop. We need to stop buying Jameson.
Have u seen my vagina and my gorilla costume? Im in need of it.
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
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