My mind said no, but my drink said yes.
every time i send "do you want some cock" to her T9 manages to change it to "anal"...i think she's mad now
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
There was a lot of him and a little penis
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
Me too, I feel like I pinched your nipples excessively. At the time it seemed like a good idea, but in retrospect I'm not so sure.
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
Your actions as of last night have earned you over thirty new nicknames.
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
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