I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
She was trying to fuck the exchange student from France. His English is really bad and the music was loud so she just pointed to a beer bottle and then her vagina.
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
they knew we were both to shy to do anything so they got us drunk and locked us in the back yard with a tent. it was fuck or freeze
you have the best friends
For the past year I have been the most responsible I have ever been in my entire life and now spring break is here and there is free penis just traipsing around my entire town. The game is afoot.
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
Is kiddo a correct name to call someone who you stuck your dick in?
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
Randomize
