Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
you were convinced that if all her tampons were gone her period would stop, so you started eating them.
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
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