a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
We could have a classy candlelight sonic dinner with fireball cocktails if you leave now. Twat tickler centerpieces.
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
How high do u want to get? Just kind of high or yelling at swans high...
Swans
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