He IMed me 5 times, before my homepage even loaded. This is not gonna work out for me
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
my memory may be fuzzy, but the 20+ naked pictures I sent him were surprising clear
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
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