omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
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