why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
she kept checking the clock when she was giving me head and at midnight she said she had to stop because she cant eat meat on fridays is that bitch serious
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
yes he does come on. what guy wouldnt want his penis named after a dragon
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
Randomize
