Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
I meant the "stage" gay, Not the "bend me over and call me Gary" gay.
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
is cock-oriented a word? I'd say I'm that lately.
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
We were going to play manhunt in a strip club, calling it mancunt.
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
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