It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
if you don't go out with us, what are you gonna do? you're gonna go home and watch biodome and masturbate to texts from your east coast boyfriend and see the facebook pictures from the party when you wake up.
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
I assume you passed out however I'm drinking jäger and beer in bed with my cat so your friendship world have been appreciated
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
Omg. I meet up with you guys with bodily fluids on my chin ONE time and suddenly I'm a whore.
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
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