Apparently when you order 'bottomless fries' at red robin that doesnt mean you can go around to every table and eat all the fries you want off other peoples plates.
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
I may only be a second year med student but I feel very confident in calling that a micropenis.
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
Neighbour is sobbing. Difficult to masturbate.
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
Randomize
