you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
he was actually really polite. he asked before he came on my chest because he "wasn't sure my stance on it".
there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
he got a charlie horse midthrust which triggered my orgasm we're still sorting this out.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
at what point last night did i get this tattoo of an anchor made of dicks?
around eleven
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
