He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
I told her I was horny and she said to forget it because she has vagina drama.
WHAT IN THE HELL IS VAGINA DRAMA?!
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
btw my roommates send a round of applause to you and that guy you tried to fuck on our wall. Additionally they hope he got it in.
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
He ate me out in a golf cart while I watched the sunset. You are so right, golf skirts do provide amazing access.
Randomize
