Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
I'm thinking blowjobs and wheelchair sex should be part of any post-injury wellness plan.
Thank god I didn't get free from the hospital restraints. I wouldent have lasted long drunk, startled and in an ass-less gown In D.C.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
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