I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
opening your purse in class to grab a pen only to find dollar bills and pink fuzzy handcuffs instead...that's a cool feeling
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
Gina was bawling her eyes out and then she ran into the street and peed. she kept screaming "LOOK WHAT YOUVE DONE TO ME"
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
I accidentally kneed him in the balls while trying to straddle him so we ended up spending the night watching ffm porn online
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
I thought we were but then I freaked myself out. So I kind of geared him up for take off and then cancelled the launch
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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