she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
Dude, that was like bongs ago.
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
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