I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
Do you think flip cup during wine tasting is a bad idea? They're perfect flipping cups...
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
i think i just asked a donut if it was ok
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
Just remember: We don't tell our English professor about our fetishes unless she specifically asks about them.
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
Randomize
