She had hickeys... what's up with that?? HAHAHA
she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
Her dog trainer Fuck buddy is over here again. She sounds like a squeaky toy and he talks to her like he talks to the dog. I CAN HEAR EVERYTHING!!!
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
wyd
Laying here debating on if i want a sandwich or an orgasm.
Randomize
