you puked in the cab and all over yourself and tried to convince the cabby it was there already when he got upset... then you puked again. not too convincing are you
Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
nah, its part of my diet to keep track of the servings of everything i put into my body
how many servings is brandon's dick?
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
Call me pathetic, but saying "tits for ireland" is working out really well on chatroulette today.
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Randomize
