You hurt me so bad and it feels so good
puking up blue gatorade is not as nearly as much fun as it sounds
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
You don't forget tits like those, even if you are vegas drunk.
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
Why is there bacon in the couch?
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