The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
I love sluts.
I end my prayers with that every single night.
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
Randomize
