if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
No see this is how It goes: guys will fuck virgin girls. But girls don't really want to fuck virgin guys. So you're good have no fear.
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
be right there i have to get my cape
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
hey man , the girl you brought home last night is in the kitchen puking in the sink and asking if she can have more shots of Whiskey....think i should give her a shot glass or send her home....
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
Randomize
