I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
i think beer pong is the only time ive ever found a use for geometry
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
Male strippers are involved. You are coming
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
Randomize