Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
Topless bubble bath with a lesbian is debatable as a gay experience.
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
Either he pets my cat or this deal is null
YOU CAN'T GET A TATTOO BECAUSE OF KPOP FANFICTION. THAT'S NOT HOW LIFE WORKS
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
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