I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
you would pick up someone in the library
I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
Just saved her as "new hostess that randy banged" ...I forgot her name
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
Apparently she hired a private investigator when he took out a restraining order on her. So the answer is no, I didn't hit it.
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
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