You up for the gym tonight after work?
I'm up for a light workout and a nice yog.
Fair enough, I'm gonna hit it hard today.
Chris Brown style, or less felonious?
Haha, all felonious.
By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
I would go down on you faster than GM stock
At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
Your place is a magnet for either righteous parties or crippling alcohol dependency. Lets find out which together
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
For a second fuck I think last night went extremely well... our sexual relationship is progressing at a pace that im quite satisfied with.
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
Randomize
