Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
he said i ruined lesbian porn for him
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
Also I am throwing a blaZer over what I wore to bed and calling it an outfit.
girls shouldnt black out with american flag bandaids on their nips
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
Randomize
