That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
He bought me dinner. He gave me his jacket when I was cold. And then ate me out in the passenger sear of the car.
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
classified somewhere between kinky and medically inadvisable
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
Sometimes I just want to kiss you without you pulling ur cock out and waving it at me
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
Randomize
