i permit you to call me
wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
I think my vagina is haunted
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
To think... Somewhere, too drunk by buckcherry is someone's theme song
You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
Take your time, they're doing body shots off the dog.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
I WOULD NEVER LIE ABOUT SOMETHING AS SERIOUS AS SABADO GIGANTE BEING CANCELED
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
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