I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
One huge ass giant mistake followed by celebatory shots and coors lights thats my day in a nut shell
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
And then my night got REAL pukey
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
Randomize
