I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
started her walk of shame as my mom and dad walked through my common room door...my dad held the door for her and told her to have a nice day
Wouldn't be the first time..I think there's a subliminal message constantly playing in my mind that says 'blackout', 'throwing up is fun' 'too sober'
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
Pregnancy scare over. Let the cockfest begin.
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
Randomize
