Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
she's just been through a whole lot lately. When the crazy starts leaking out we give her vodka and lock her in the room with all the pillows.
so that's what that room is for...
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
Idk dude I just feel kinda weird masturbating in my Obama Biden 2008 shirt...
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
im pretty sure i tried to use axe body spray to cover up the strong urine smell coming from my jeans. im also pretty sure that it didnt work.
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