Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
I haven't seen Daniella all day...are you sure she was safe going home with that guy?
oh don't worry! i asked him if he was a rapist. he said no
I don't think so, think I've only met him once, the night I lost my teeth
I hope that he knows just because i pissed in his bed doesn't mean were together.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
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