We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
First I must say that I am disappointed to learn that you knowingly have trashy friends with whom you've not hooked me up.
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
she made me cum so hard I dislocated my jaw. I'm keeping her
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
Randomize
