There's something fitting about a hot in-car interracial makeout to the tune of 'healing the world.' RIP Mike.
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
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