Shaq going to Cleveland; Vince Carter to the Magic; Michael Jackson, Farrah Fawcett, and Ed McMahon die.... ARMAGEDDON IS UPON US!!!!!
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
Walk of shame... his parents made me go to church with them first. in my club top sweat pants and slippers. i just slapped god in the face
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
June 16th my calendar just says boobietassels....I can only assume that has to do with you
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
YAS. BRING CRAB.
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
Randomize
