I just googled the nutrition facts for a mcgriddle and yet I still want to go to mcdonalds
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
i slept with her, drove her to her sisters house to babysit, and then drove around the block where i met her sister and had sex with her in my van. I'm family Friendly!
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
Randomize
