Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
Have $25 to my name but it's $2 pitchers. I have no choice but to go.
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
Theres an amvulance here. It might be for me
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
We just took turns doing keg stands. 27 is way too old for this. Out of 5 of us, our best time was 9 seconds.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
Ps there is nothing more humbling in the world than havin to watch cheaper by the dozen on the waiting room tv while getting the morning after pill at the drs. Nothing
I was told that I need a reference for my blow job skills. Be expecting a phone call tomorrow.
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
Randomize
