I wish I could teleport
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
he is so annoying
so stop sleeping with him
yeah but he is so hot when i'm drunk
Just found pics of us from Mardi Gras last year. Your boob job really is better than mine.
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Randomize
