i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
He choked me out. i woke up to poo. I dont think i like S&M
i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
i'm not a hellocoptur, but youer in a dorm ans im un a dorm
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
had more orgasms than hours of sleep last night
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
Randomize
