Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
I was fed cake in bed and then was pinned down and ridden till I came. And then fed more cake. I'm going to marry Brad. I'll put money on it.
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
Randomize