I puked off the balcony.
Not horrible
Into the hottub. There were six people in it. I had eaten all their pizza.
You stood in front of a yellow Camaro and kept yelling at it to "Transform already!!!!".. yeah, I'd say you were pretty wasted.
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.
I am not even close to finishing violently masturbating over that video.
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
I get so many dick pics from him...He has an unhealthy obsession with his own penis...
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
And what in gods fuck were you drinking. It tasted like windex with a mixture of juce
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
Randomize
