worst 3rd wheel sitch ever. i'm crammed into a booth with him and chubs mcgee and his hand is between her legs. thank youuu karma.
What do you say about some mid-afternoon anal?
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
official worst smell ever. a used condom that has gone through the dryer.
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
Like the fear of satan was put into my heart when I saw him put that sandwich on the WOODEN BENCH
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
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