I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
Saying he's good in bed would be like saying Soulja Boy is a good rapper, completely unlogical if you've heard him.
Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.
Party at my house. Beach themed. Clothing optional.
Wouldn't that make it "Nude Beach Themed?"
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
I mean, I was going to use them for a beading project, but I guess I could take one and let you bat my dick around like a cat toy.
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