I think my vagina is haunted
I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
She passed out in the backyard, making "face down" snow angels ... so they could have a smile.
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
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