We need to have an Itty-Bitty Titty Committee mtg somewhere in the range of 5 minutes to ASAP.
remind me not buy ky at kmart ever again. Had to get a manager to open the locked case. then he stood there and watched me look through the selection
I hate that ur telling me this.
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
Randomize
