Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
u downloaded tardy 4 the party
then u started screaming about not wanting nene on the record
My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
I just want a guy who will spank me, fuck me, then take me to my office xmas party. I'd that too much to ask?
Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
I mean, I was going to use them for a beading project, but I guess I could take one and let you bat my dick around like a cat toy.
Randomize
