I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
Aside from the fact that there's a penis in my mouth, that's a pretty good picture of me
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
At one point, you closed your eyes and asked me which 'six flags' we were at
I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
hooking up with him was much more fun when i knew in the back of mind we'd get in some sort of trouble for it
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
Randomize