Swine flu. Run for my life!
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
So in our children's lit class, some jackass little boy had gone thru the where's waldo book and circled waldo. I realize you would have been that kid.
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners."
Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A.
No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay.
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
Can you face time me. I need to know if this pill is xanex or ecstasy
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
was that you i just saw walking down the street in only one heel smoking a cig yelling "hello sexuals" to everyone who passed??
HELLLLLO SEXUAL BEING
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