theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
Haha he acted like he's never seen a tampon catapolt across the hall before
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
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