$3 wine plus diet sprite does not make good champagne.
does taste better than andre tho
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
This is going to be a 3 day beach sex fest. Do you understand
He has until sunday, then my legs are officially closed to him
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
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