Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
I got mine. It's a truly beautiful penis. Plus he pulled his tongue muscle on my vagina.
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
Randomize
