woke up 7 floors down in the lobby...i my underwear. New high or new low?
New experience?
So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
Just saw a crackhead get taken down by pd in the canal. Its offically spring
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
I know more about this girls vagina than I know about her personality
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
Randomize
