thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
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