I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
For the first time in my life, I may be the most normal person in the room.
Update: I am definitely the most normal person in this room. And the least tattooed.
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
