sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
He said they were doing a skit in class apparently someone else is dressed like a horse. Ive never felt more proned to skipping class than now
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
just once I'd like to not pass out before we leave the designated pre-drinking place
She really has to stop the coke at some point. Won't she run out of money eventually?
Won't she run out of nose eventually?
For reals. He's my age and he still hangs out at his frat house & gets hammered every weekend. Idk if I'm jealous of him or if I pity him
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize