upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
2 men making out for 2 seconds to trick a cop so they don't get arrested for being pulled over rolling a blunt is not gay.
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
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