It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
I took it to a new level. I'm procrastinating taking my adderall. Hate finals week.
Its like the unofficial aniversary of the loss of her virginity. And I will be giving tours of the spot they did it in and showing how I'm serious when I say the grass doesn't grow there anymore.
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
WHY DID I MAKE A 7 minute video of me eating crackers and cheese when I was high
Send it to me
11:30pm - Shots together. 12:15pm Shots together. 12:45pm Shots together. 9:30am Plan B's together.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
Randomize
