That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
She uses empty wine bottles as book ends. 2 on each side. At least 8 shelves.
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
It was pathetic and I was covered in butter
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
Every concussion has its silver lining
2 men making out for 2 seconds to trick a cop so they don't get arrested for being pulled over rolling a blunt is not gay.
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
I believe in your delicious
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
Randomize
