i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
So question, would you consider it morally wrong to grind up Cialas and put it in ones cocktail? Then I get what I want and he doesn't have to be embarrassed and he can win the mental game with himself? I'm only thinking of him...
i want to have awesome sex and feel fuzzy.
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
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