I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
The police report said that there were 25 cases of bud light, two hookers fighting in the street, 13 cop cars, and two road blocks, a kid got tazered, another got maced, and over a hundred people in the house
So that means its a bad thing that your dad found it huh?
Hey, this is Travis. I just so intelligently deduced that I am in a college dorm somewhere in western oregon. Probably WOU, based on the process of elimination.
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
