Yeah unless I can find some idiot to make love to
i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
the point of no return was when you "drugged" his drink with glitter. face-planting on his dick was beyond.
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
Randomize
