I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
dont worry it didnt get any better. she locked herself in his room and was screaming at the top of her lungs "IM GUNA PEE ON YOUR BED"
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
Romney sounds like a middle school girl and that creepy ass smile makes me want to close my blinds
Can you get the drug form of snow for the blizzard this weekend?
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
I've sent two unsolicited tit pictures in less than 24 hours. I'm the female version of a fuckboy.
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
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