He has such a weird drunk-voice.
dude, he's deaf.
Anddd after the worst sex of my life, he said.."do you mind taking off the condom, tying it up, and throwing it at the door?" Weird.
i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
The best of us have puked in our office garbage cans. I just hope yours wasn't the metal mesh kind...and bagless like mine. Rock n roll office manager.
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
Randomize
