Holy shit! This guy had his hands and feet handcuffed and was scooting across the interstate and we almost hit him because it was so dark. I hate Louisiana.
alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
She sent me a pic of shot glasses on fire if that tells you anything
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
I think I'm in love. He's everything I ever wanted for myself, just with a lot more drugs.
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
If its possible to have a hickey on your nipple, I have one. Thank you.
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
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