Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
I'm either watching Fifth Element or Hotel Rwanda. There's black people and white people and high life tall boy 18 packs are $11.99 so I could be watching my own hand. I have no idea.
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
Apparently he took me home and I pulled up my senior pictures on fbook and made him guess what I was thinking during each different pose.
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
He is like the "hometown sweetheart", but a huge freak. Like "I'll come change your flat tire"....but then fuck you like an animal in the back seat.
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
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